Since graduating college, these past however many years or so have one common theme: Nothing I had expected to happen has happened and everything that has happened I have not expected to happen. If you were to ask my 21 year old self where my life would be in the next year, I would've said, "Clearly with a great job, basically engaged, loving Boston and being completely awesome with all my extremely cool Boston friends". I had it all planned out, and everything seemed so amazingly perfect. What could go wrong?! ONLY EVERYTHING. A year into Boston and I was single, almost friendless (thank you universe for my two great friends in Boston who I needed more than imaginable), had JUST started working (and not my dream job at that), was poor, unhappy and just really hated life. I blamed a lot on Boston. Like a lot. A lot a lot. I blamed that city for my failed relationship, not starting my career, making me gain weight, making me poor, etc. Whenever someone would say that they loved Boston, my first reaction would be something along the lines of how much I hated that city and everything associated with it.
And you know what I've come to realize? I just really hated the fact that things did not turn out the way I expected them to. It wasn't Boston's fault. Well, their snow removal process is QUITE over-the-top and unnecessary but whatever. I just really hated that my life was slowly turning out to be pretty damn different from what I, and many others, expected. And it broke my heart.
It was Boston that really made me realize the importance of just living. No expectations and just let things happen naturally, the way they were intended to be in the first place. It's such a simple and dumb thing when you think about it, but in reality many of us do not do it. We plan plan plan and question question question. When will I get the perfect boyfriend? When will I have a baby? When will my career take off? Who do I want to be??? Why am I not that person?!???! What will make me be an exact replica of *insert hot/perfect actress here*?!?????!!! WHY AM I FAILING AT LIFE?????!!!?????
I do believe that to some extent, planning and questioning is necessary. But to what extent, really? Should I have planned out my move from Boston to DC a little bit more? Yes. Did it kill me? Absolutely not. And I look at the experience of moving from one situation that I planned out in my head to a new situation that I really didn't plan out in my head and I've realized that not planning my move to DC was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me. Was moving to a new city where I knew virtually no one, had no job, no money and no place to live a bit silly? Duh. But it was great. Seriously. I had absolutely no expectations, no plans except find a job, make friends, find a place to live. And guess what? It worked! It worked really well, actually. I was/am happy and not just happy with how things turned out, but happy at how I handled everything. Happy that my ass had to wake up every damn day and think, "So...should I go make some friends today? Should I try to meet a guy? Volunteer? Roast some brussels sprouts? Whatever, I'll figure it out". And I did. I also roasted a lot of brussels sprouts, which I would like to say I NEVER expected because I thought I fucking hated brussels sprouts (see? don't expect shit!). Regardless, I eventually made friends, I met guys, I got a job, I volunteered, and have moved on to roasted carrots, sweet potatoes and potentially eggplant. It has been nothing short of amazing. I just lived and let myself just live.
Something else was also happening with me during my transition to DC. My attitude was completely different from when I moved to Boston. Before and during Boston, I was scared, nervous, insecure, ugly, stupid, and every other horrible adjective there is to describe anything nasty. These feelings ultimately reflected on how I was living my life and handling Boston. I was stupid, probably looked terrible (except my hair was much longer and beautiful and I want that damn hair back please), gained weight, cried a lot, wrote terrible cover letters and just really couldn't handle life. All I wanted to do was watch the Barefoot Contessa, do laundry and sleep. When it came time to transition to DC, I knew my attitude needed to change. I distinctly remember being on the phone with my dad and him asking if I thought I was making the right choice to move. I simply said, "Yeah. I'll be fine.". AND I WAS!
Do I believe that all things happen for a reason and everything is predestined and laid out for us? Yes and no. I do believe that things happen for a reason and that our attitudes ultimately decide how these situations effect us. The situation is going to happen. But we can either sit and cry forever or just fucking suck it up and deal with it. I knew leaving Boston, my apartment, my relationship, etc. was going to be pretty damn hard. But oh well. What else was I supposed to do? Just sit and think about how difficult it was and never do it? Nah. I just had to do it. The worst that was going to happen was that I wouldn't be able to find a job and I would have to move back to Wisconsin. The prospect of endless butterburgers is never a bad thing though. Seriously, I could eat one every day, and then die shortly after that, because that's disgusting.
What I've learned is that people will come and go out of your life, you might be poor for a while, you'll go in and out of relationships, jobs, admit that you really hate basil (that felt really great to admit publicly) but you can't keep thinking about these things, why they happen and even how to make them not happen. It's going to happen. So why not just fucking live? Why push for a certain outcome, when you damn well know that things will happen the way they were intended to happen and just go with it? Accept the outcome and have the intention to be happy whatever the outcome.
Sidenote: Intention is fucking huge and I want to talk about it more later. Be prepared.
Another sidenote: Doo Wop (That Thing) by Lauryn Hill is SERIOUSLY amazing and I am sitting here, dancing my ass off and happy as hell because I have set the intention to get this post done tonight and go to bed feeling great. This all is not connected whatsoever but I don't give two shits.
What I'm trying to say is that at this moment, right now, there are many things happening in my life that I would've never thought nor expected to happen. I have a become a runner and active, which would surprise you if you knew me in before getting my B.A. Seriously, I once told my grandma I couldn't take out the garbage because I wasn't athletic (I still don't hear the end of that one). There are people in my life in various forms that I REALLY did not expect to be in my life in any way. I have completely broke the heart of my Midwest self and have omitted processed foods from my diet and cook all the damn time. I've also recently gotten new glasses for the first time since my sophomore year of high school that make me look like a hipster as well as having my dad tell me he had these exact same glasses in 5th grade. Whatever. Some things are not that big of a deal, and some are. Some things are goals I've had, some things are completely fucking random and others are just there. And the common theme they all have is that I have such a positive fucking attitude about them and I have had the intention to make these things a normalcy in my life, to accept them and be happy about them no matter the outcome. Because it's okay. It's really going to be okay. I know I look like a hipster, but I have the intention to look great, and damnit, I do! Sometimes (a lot of times) I just can't get up in the morning and run because my mountain of pillows is too magnanimous. I know I perfectly planned my workout the night before, left out my clothes, keys and headphones so they're right there when I wake up, but oh well. I'll work out later. Or not. Whatever, I'll live. Why is this person, or that person for that matter, in my life? What does it mean???? I don't fucking know, but I do know that I have intention to be the happiest I can be and just go with it because it's all kinda awesome. Oh no, I am home from yoga too late, I can't cook and I didn't prep anything. What do I do? Go to California Tortilla and get some processed ass nachos, that's what I do. Why? Because ain't nobody got time to be perfect. I could go on, but I wont. Mostly because I need to go to bed at some point.
I heard a great quote from Gary Zukov while watching Oprah (god, I miss that woman). He said, "For every responsible choice we make, we much accept the fucking consequences of that choice". Well, he didn't say it exactly like that, but I would like to think he wanted to say it like that. And he's right. Things will happen the way they were intended to happen, so instead of dwelling on the outcome, what the outcome could be, etc. why not accept the outcome?
I will say this. Just live. Really. It's the best thing we can all do for ourselves and the best way to prevent your heart from being broken over and over again. Stop being so negative and just be positive. It really helps. I promise.
