Why expectation has been at the root of all heartache.

Since graduating college, these past however many years or so have one common theme: Nothing I had expected to happen has happened and everything that has happened I have not expected to happen. If you were to ask my 21 year old self where my life would be in the next year, I would've said, "Clearly with a great job, basically engaged, loving Boston and being completely awesome with all my extremely cool Boston friends". I had it all planned out, and everything seemed so amazingly perfect. What could go wrong?! ONLY EVERYTHING. A year into Boston and I was single, almost friendless (thank you universe for my two great friends in Boston who I needed more than imaginable), had JUST started working (and not my dream job at that), was poor, unhappy and just really hated life. I blamed a lot on Boston. Like a lot. A lot a lot. I blamed that city for my failed relationship, not starting my career, making me gain weight, making me poor, etc. Whenever someone would say that they loved Boston, my first reaction would be something along the lines of how much I hated that city and everything associated with it. 

And you know what I've come to realize? I just really hated the fact that things did not turn out the way I expected them to. It wasn't Boston's fault. Well, their snow removal process is QUITE over-the-top and unnecessary but whatever. I just really hated that my life was slowly turning out to be pretty damn different from what I, and many others, expected. And it broke my heart. 

It was Boston that really made me realize the importance of just living. No expectations and just let things happen naturally, the way they were intended to be in the first place. It's such a simple and dumb thing when you think about it, but in reality many of us do not do it. We plan plan plan and question question question. When will I get the perfect boyfriend? When will I have a baby? When will my career take off? Who do I want to be??? Why am I not that person?!???! What will make me be an exact replica of *insert hot/perfect actress here*?!?????!!! WHY AM I FAILING AT LIFE?????!!!?????

I do believe that to some extent, planning and questioning is necessary. But to what extent, really? Should I have planned out my move from Boston to DC a little bit more? Yes. Did it kill me? Absolutely not. And I look at the experience of moving from one situation that I planned out in my head to a new situation that I really didn't plan out in my head and I've realized that not planning my move to DC was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me. Was moving to a new city where I knew virtually no one, had no job, no money and no place to live a bit silly? Duh. But it was great. Seriously. I had absolutely no expectations, no plans except find a job, make friends, find a place to live. And guess what? It worked! It worked really well, actually. I was/am happy and not just happy with how things turned out, but happy at how I handled everything. Happy that my ass had to wake up every damn day and think, "So...should I go make some friends today? Should I try to meet a guy? Volunteer? Roast some brussels sprouts? Whatever, I'll figure it out". And I did. I also roasted a lot of brussels sprouts, which I would like to say I NEVER expected because I thought I fucking hated brussels sprouts (see? don't expect shit!). Regardless, I eventually made friends, I met guys, I got a job, I volunteered, and have moved on to roasted carrots, sweet potatoes and potentially eggplant. It has been nothing short of amazing. I just lived and let myself just live. 

Something else was also happening with me during my transition to DC. My attitude was completely different from when I moved to Boston. Before and during Boston, I was scared, nervous, insecure, ugly, stupid, and every other horrible adjective there is to describe anything nasty. These feelings ultimately reflected on how I was living my life and handling Boston. I was stupid, probably looked terrible (except my hair was much longer and beautiful and I want that damn hair back please), gained weight, cried a lot, wrote terrible cover letters and just really couldn't handle life. All I wanted to do was watch the Barefoot Contessa, do laundry and sleep. When it came time to transition to DC, I knew my attitude needed to change. I distinctly remember being on the phone with my dad and him asking if I thought I was making the right choice to move. I simply said, "Yeah. I'll be fine.". AND I WAS! 

Do I believe that all things happen for a reason and everything is predestined and laid out for us? Yes and no. I do believe that things happen for a reason and that our attitudes ultimately decide how these situations effect us. The situation is going to happen. But we can either sit and cry forever or just fucking suck it up and deal with it. I knew leaving Boston, my apartment, my relationship, etc. was going to be pretty damn hard. But oh well. What else was I supposed to do? Just sit and think about how difficult it was and never do it? Nah. I just had to do it. The worst that was going to happen was that I wouldn't be able to find a job and I would have to move back to Wisconsin. The prospect of endless butterburgers is never a bad thing though. Seriously, I could eat one every day, and then die shortly after that, because that's disgusting. 

What I've learned is that people will come and go out of your life, you might be poor for a while, you'll go in and out of relationships, jobs, admit that you really hate basil (that felt really great to admit publicly) but you can't keep thinking about these things, why they happen and even how to make them not happen. It's going to happen. So why not just fucking live? Why push for a certain outcome, when you damn well know that things will happen the way they were intended to happen and just go with it? Accept the outcome and have the intention to be happy whatever the outcome. 

Sidenote: Intention is fucking huge and I want to talk about it more later. Be prepared. 

Another sidenote: Doo Wop (That Thing) by Lauryn Hill is SERIOUSLY amazing and I am sitting here, dancing my ass off and happy as hell because I have set the intention to get this post done tonight and go to bed feeling great. This all is not connected whatsoever but I don't give two shits. 

What I'm trying to say is that at this moment, right now, there are many things happening in my life that I would've never thought nor expected to happen. I have a become a runner and active, which would surprise you if you knew me in before getting my B.A. Seriously, I once told my grandma I couldn't take out the garbage because I wasn't athletic (I still don't hear the end of that one). There are people in my life in various forms that I REALLY did not expect to be in my life in any way. I have completely broke the heart of my Midwest self and have omitted processed foods from my diet and cook all the damn time. I've also recently gotten new glasses for the first time since my sophomore year of high school that make me look like a hipster as well as having my dad tell me he had these exact same glasses in 5th grade. Whatever. Some things are not that big of a deal, and some are. Some things are goals I've had, some things are completely fucking random and others are just there. And the common theme they all have is that I have such a positive fucking attitude about them and I have had the intention to make these things a normalcy in my life, to accept them and be happy about them no matter the outcome. Because it's okay. It's really going to be okay. I know I look like a hipster, but I have the intention to look great, and damnit, I do! Sometimes (a lot of times) I just can't get up in the morning and run because my mountain of pillows is too magnanimous. I know I perfectly planned my workout the night before, left out my clothes, keys and headphones so they're right there when I wake up, but oh well. I'll work out later. Or not. Whatever, I'll live. Why is this person, or that person for that matter, in my life? What does it mean???? I don't fucking know, but I do know that I have intention to be the happiest I can be and just go with it because it's all kinda awesome. Oh no, I am home from yoga too late, I can't cook and I didn't prep anything. What do I do? Go to California Tortilla and get some processed ass nachos, that's what I do. Why? Because ain't nobody got time to be perfect. I could go on, but I wont. Mostly because I need to go to bed at some point.  

I heard a great quote from Gary Zukov while watching Oprah (god, I miss that woman). He said, "For every responsible choice we make, we much accept the fucking consequences of that choice". Well, he didn't say it exactly like that, but I would like to think he wanted to say it like that. And he's right. Things will happen the way they were intended to happen, so instead of dwelling on the outcome, what the outcome could be, etc. why not accept the outcome? 

I will say this. Just live. Really. It's the best thing we can all do for ourselves and the best way to prevent your heart from being broken over and over again. Stop being so negative and just be positive. It really helps. I promise.

The start of my mason jar collection and other various details that will make me seem like a spiritual hipster in 2014

As I'm writing this, clearly I'm a mess. I have a Skins UK inspired playlist (I was listening to "Songs to cry yourself to sleep" but I had to draw the line somewhere), reading through a haunting text chain and am sitting next to this scene while trying to be on "vacation" at home for Christmas:

Here is what happens when I want a glass of wine and a cookie, but I want milk with my cookie, and then I see rolls, and then I realize I should probs have some lemon water. And everything has to be in the theme of Christmas.


Basically I feel like I'm in a sad, but not Oscar worthy, drama. Or a diamond commercial. Maybe a depressing fragrance commercial? Fucking Dior.

Anyways, this year instead of having "resolutions" that I'll probably either forgot or just clearly not give two shits about come January 6th, I've decided to try something a bit different. Kinda. Yes, technically speaking they ARE resolutions to most people, but to me they're not. They're already things I love doing and usually do. My goal is to just simply do them. And do them consistently. Why? Because clearly they make me fucking happy and feel great, so why the hell not? I know that 2014 is going to be a roller coaster, so why not try to keep myself from jumping off the roller coaster when at the top of its highest peak before it plummets, and just try to maintain some sort of sanity in my life.

So...here's my routine!
Also, if you're wondering, this Skins playlist just got REALLY bad.

• Drink lemon water all damn day from mason jars that I keep stockpiled in my fridge. Why? I mean, I can sit here and say that it makes my skin glow, hair shiny, feels like a great detox, blah blah blah obnoxious health conscious shit, but in reality I just want to have a reason to consistently drink out of mason jars. 
• I'm going to be obnoxious some more and discuss the importance of greens in my life. I love green food. Like this is real talk. Collards, kale, arugula, haricot verts (I didn't think I was going to get this obnoxious this early on), broccolini, brussels sprouts, etc. I don't get why people hate them. THEY'RE SO GOOD PEOPLE. And you know what I love more? Green smoothies! Why have I been not drinking them so much? They're a bitch to make. Seriously. Who wants to come home from work, workout, have to make dinner and then rip up kale, see that you're out of almond milk and have to improvise, cut up apples, piña, and all that jazz? Crazy people. However, I need to be that crazy person because they're so damn good. And even better when you put them in a mason jar and bring it to work and have everyone hate you because you're THAT person. Except they don't hate you when your smoothie is brown because you've put blueberries in it and it just ends up looking like poop. 
• If there is anything that my time here in Wisconsin for Christmas has taught me this year, it's that I should probably keep exercising. I like it. I feel great. I look good. I'm just lazy sometimes (a lot). I will say, in all seriousness, that my whole workout mentally has totally shifted these past couple years from nothing to a shit ton thanks to two fabulously amazing girls that I would've never imagined would make me work out this much because I really hated them at first. And I'm going to keep them a secret for a bit longer because they're about to get insanely popular and I'm selfish. But back to what I'm supposed to be talking about, working out is important. Looking like a pregnant sad person when you're neither isn't a great look in pictures of your family reunion in Florida from two years ago. And the more I work out, the more I can justify buying more mason jars for water, smoothies and bringing salads to work. Like what I did there?
• I love cooking. So I need to do it more. I Love that I'm turning into a "no processed food allowed" person. And then I can put leftovers in mason jars. Like tomato sauce! And to be quite honest, pretending like I'm Ina Garten and Nigella Lawson makes me happier than most things.
• I need to expand my yoga practice. I got lazy towards the end of the year and holidays. My main instructor even told me that I've improved so much! And I can almost do a headstand! But I've appreciated this break. I feel like I can come back, go to class, want to die because I've lost all my flexibility, try not to fart some more, obsess over my new layer of Wisconsin belly fat that's getting in my way when I'm trying to twist (true fucking story), and just rock the shit out of it. And I want to do more than go to class in my awesome green studio where they encourage me to bring my mason jar of  lemon AND cucumber water. I should make it an actual practice. Do it at home, in the park, instagram pictures of me doing inversions at monuments like a boss. 
• I've realized since graduating college that there are a lot of factors in my life that have prevented me from reading. I love reading. It's literally my life. And these past 3 or so years I get so busy, distracted and worry about making everyone else happy, that I've simply forgot one of the simplest pleasures of mine. A book. Can I put hot tea in mason jars? That would go well with reading. 
• Lastly, I honestly and truly want to start meditating and reflecting. Seriously. I'm even considering spending my NYE bringing in the new year by meditating and pretending like I wrote Eat, Pray, Love (pretty sure that's how Liz Gilbert spent that NYE...in an ashram India!). 

(Side note: The song I'm currently listening to on this Skins playlist just sang about mason jars. Fate? Clearly.)

But, really. Daily reflection of some sort is going to have to be a must. I cannot do what I've always done and simply go. I need to think about life, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking. I need to be grateful and realize the actual abundance that surrounds me. I want to wake up a little earlier every morning (oh gosh, anxiety attack is already hitting me about that) and just sit in silence, with water in my mason jar, and just enjoy the silence. I want to end every evening reflecting on what made me so happy that day and what I'm grateful for. I want to create my happiness. I want to be my happiness. I want to think about what I've learned, and what I want to learn. I want to give myself some damn attention for once.

And maybe get some more mason jars in the process...

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So here's my deal.

I'm not even going to sit here and pretend that I'm on an actual spiritual journey. I don't have the money or time for that shit. I'm not going on retreats to some remote village in India (though Bali would be great imo), meditating is something that I struggle with (and seems to be the only time I actually remember the things I was supposed to do 3 hours ago...), I'm not even going to pretend that I can get through yoga without worrying about farting (like the loud blast kind of fart), and though loose lead green tea is the way to my heart, don't put dandelions in it please. Or anything else for that matter. Also, I'd like to pretend that my Whole Foods trips are filled with environmentally friendly trash bags and organic ground pepper but it usually just ends up with me at the hot bar and a box filled with every single meat dish available. Basically, you get my point.

However, I will say this. I kinda am on a spiritual journey. Do I have more Virgen de Guadalupe than the average person? Of course I do! Do I set an honest intention before every yoga practice and smile at the end when I feel that my set intention was fulfilled and satisfied? Duh! Do I religiously read Oprah motivational emails (my favorites are when she sends me quotes that are supposed to inspire me to be rich)? Every damn day.

I'm also incredibly curious about my attitude and things connected to karma. Why do I have the attitude I have about many things? And why does my life seem so chaotic and unfulfilled? I question every day if these two are intertwined, somehow linked themselves to each other and playing a game of god knows what with me. Maybe, my negative attitude is affecting the way I live my life. And since it's possibly affecting the way I live my life, maybe it's affecting the end results of many things in my life. And maybe it's affecting how I present myself. What if it's affecting how people view me?

These things have made me come to the conclusion that I must go on a spiritual journey. A simple one. A journey with no self help books (except the one that I'm in the middle of now, because it's really that great), many Oprah teachings (I'm sorry, it's an obsession), deep searching for how I truely feel and a general attitude adjustment.

Why have I decided to do this now? Because I need it. I need it like I need chipotle marinated beef tacos every other day. I need it like I now need a bottle of red every weekend ( I share it though!). I just need it. This next year will come with big changes, some to be discussed and some to keep private. Seeing these changes coming have made me come to the realization that I cannot simply go through them (some repeated) with the attitude I have at the moment. I need to be...happy. Loving, maybe? I need to be grateful.

These things, love, happiness, gratitude, etc., are all things that we generally all think we posses on a daily basis. But what I've come to realize is that I seem to forget them many times through my day, almost all day. So my spiritual journey is going to focus on these things. Love, happiness, gratitude, abundance, witnessing my fears, forgiveness, etc. These are all qualities that have the potential to change my life.

I would like to say one more thing. As if I haven't already said enough, right? When I speak about a spiritual journey, I am not speaking of a general religious awakening. That is, in my opinion, something very private to me. This journey is not about finding religion. It's about finding me. However, I will call on things like my "inner guide" which, to me, means my gut. My instinct. My true, authentic self. That spirit that I believe resides deep within me, guiding me. And THAT is whatever you want it to be. God, Oprah, tingle time, whatever. Just keep it to yourself, please.

And with that, I am off to attempt to meditate before bed. Which we all know will result in a completed grocery list for the week.