Sunday, December 15, 2013

So here's my deal.

I'm not even going to sit here and pretend that I'm on an actual spiritual journey. I don't have the money or time for that shit. I'm not going on retreats to some remote village in India (though Bali would be great imo), meditating is something that I struggle with (and seems to be the only time I actually remember the things I was supposed to do 3 hours ago...), I'm not even going to pretend that I can get through yoga without worrying about farting (like the loud blast kind of fart), and though loose lead green tea is the way to my heart, don't put dandelions in it please. Or anything else for that matter. Also, I'd like to pretend that my Whole Foods trips are filled with environmentally friendly trash bags and organic ground pepper but it usually just ends up with me at the hot bar and a box filled with every single meat dish available. Basically, you get my point.

However, I will say this. I kinda am on a spiritual journey. Do I have more Virgen de Guadalupe than the average person? Of course I do! Do I set an honest intention before every yoga practice and smile at the end when I feel that my set intention was fulfilled and satisfied? Duh! Do I religiously read Oprah motivational emails (my favorites are when she sends me quotes that are supposed to inspire me to be rich)? Every damn day.

I'm also incredibly curious about my attitude and things connected to karma. Why do I have the attitude I have about many things? And why does my life seem so chaotic and unfulfilled? I question every day if these two are intertwined, somehow linked themselves to each other and playing a game of god knows what with me. Maybe, my negative attitude is affecting the way I live my life. And since it's possibly affecting the way I live my life, maybe it's affecting the end results of many things in my life. And maybe it's affecting how I present myself. What if it's affecting how people view me?

These things have made me come to the conclusion that I must go on a spiritual journey. A simple one. A journey with no self help books (except the one that I'm in the middle of now, because it's really that great), many Oprah teachings (I'm sorry, it's an obsession), deep searching for how I truely feel and a general attitude adjustment.

Why have I decided to do this now? Because I need it. I need it like I need chipotle marinated beef tacos every other day. I need it like I now need a bottle of red every weekend ( I share it though!). I just need it. This next year will come with big changes, some to be discussed and some to keep private. Seeing these changes coming have made me come to the realization that I cannot simply go through them (some repeated) with the attitude I have at the moment. I need to be...happy. Loving, maybe? I need to be grateful.

These things, love, happiness, gratitude, etc., are all things that we generally all think we posses on a daily basis. But what I've come to realize is that I seem to forget them many times through my day, almost all day. So my spiritual journey is going to focus on these things. Love, happiness, gratitude, abundance, witnessing my fears, forgiveness, etc. These are all qualities that have the potential to change my life.

I would like to say one more thing. As if I haven't already said enough, right? When I speak about a spiritual journey, I am not speaking of a general religious awakening. That is, in my opinion, something very private to me. This journey is not about finding religion. It's about finding me. However, I will call on things like my "inner guide" which, to me, means my gut. My instinct. My true, authentic self. That spirit that I believe resides deep within me, guiding me. And THAT is whatever you want it to be. God, Oprah, tingle time, whatever. Just keep it to yourself, please.

And with that, I am off to attempt to meditate before bed. Which we all know will result in a completed grocery list for the week.


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